Keep Out!

My Bible reading this month is focused on the book of Proverbs. The introduction to the book peeked my interest in understanding moral issues. Who doesn’t want sound wisdom and advise to help in making good decisions and choices, especially while raising kids and helping them traverse this path of life? So I dived in. Little did I realize that I would find such sage wisdom on marriage.

Growing up there was a saying, “The grass is greener on the other side.” It would seem that our society feels this is true in marriage. During my first year away at college I learned a valuable lesson living with roommates and immediately my outlook on this saying was changed. I have become fond of the saying, “The grass is greener where YOU! water it the most.”

We have become a society that looks at others for blame. “I would be happier if my husband would… I wouldn’t get so mad if he would just do… If only my husband had a personality like…” In the first few books of Proverbs there is a continuous warning - avoid the strange woman, stay on the other side of the street, look not into her eyes, listen not to her voice, and keep yourself from falling into the arms of a stranger. “Keep from the immoral woman (man), from the smooth tongue of the wayward wife (husband). Do not lust in your heart after her (his) beauty or let her (him) captivate you with her (his) eyes.” (Prov 6:14-15)

But how many times do we fail in just the simple avoidances? We place ourselves on a path and along a fence line in which we constantly gaze at the field, or grass, next to us. Sometimes we stop and wonder what it would be like to be over there, or with that other individual? We spend so much time looking, listening, watching, and maybe even crossing over to “help” and so little time in our own yard and on our own side of the proverbial fence.

Proverbs sternly warns against such activities. Stay away! Keep Out! “Drink waters out of thine own cisterns.” (Prov 5:15) Look to the activities of your own household and make it beautiful and pleasing. Strive to perfect the very place in which you promised “til death do us part.”

Some things that I have learned in my eighteen years of marriage that make my “grass greener” and that I am responsible for are; quit looking and dwelling on the faults and failures that “I see” in my spouse. Instead, take the time to pray for my husband. I don’t mean complaining to God about the poor qualities or bad habits, but asking God to help me see beyond my selfish desire to perfect my husband into “my image of him,” but perfect him into the image that God would have him to be.

Another area is listening to my own answers and tone of voice I use with my husband. Am I being negative, derogatory, or disrespectful? He is my husband, my friend, my lifelong mate, and not a household pet. Am I treating him with the proper respect and dignity that he is entitled? “For all authority under heaven is given by God.” He rightfully holds the role of the “head of the household.”

When I am mad at my husband because he didn’t take out the trash, pick up his shoes, or put the toilet paper back on the holder I often find myself dwelling on the pity path called “I am the only one in this house who does…” Several years ago I learned the verse in 2 Corinthians 10:5 that says, “Take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.” Knowing that my thoughts are wrong as I travel down this “pity path,” I pray this verse and ask God to change my thoughts and my heart in this area. I even ask God to help me with correcting this bothersome behavior or habit with the right heart attitude and without argumentative words. There have been times when I have been convicted enough about my own habits that I knew within my heart that I would be wrong at that moment to address my spouse. Just like the story of Queen Esther, timing and preparation are key to the positive reception of change.

I must admit that I am not perfect. There are times that I speak harshly before I have had time to “listen to the aid of the Holy Spirit” and I have had to apologize and confess that I was wrong in my word choices and tone of voice. There are times I have caught myself thinking about another person and what their life is like. And yet God is so good. “He will call to remembrance those things that he has taught me;” In the scriptures, or past problems handled properly.

I am continually reminded that it is my duty and responsibility to see that I am doing everything possible to “make the grass greener” in my marriage. “Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husband and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. “ (Titus 2:3-5)