Confession

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I recall “mountain top” experiences where I know I spent time in the presence of my Savior and King. He answered prayer. He resolved conflict at work. He cleared a calendar full of double appointments. He provided insight on a problem at work. He provided rest when my body was weary. He filled my heart with love for people I did not know. He gave sound council when asked for advice.

And then…

The storm clouds of distractions appeared. My days were full, tiring, and exhausting. I would crawl into bed at night without learning at the feet of my Savior. The mornings were rushed with pitiful moments of reading a verse and saying a quick prayer; sometimes falling asleep where I sat in thought. Pity parties were thrown regularly. Inside I was crying for the fellowship I once knew. Morning drives were spent asking God, “Where is the passion? Why is my body so unwilling? Why am I stuck in this rut?”

I struggled to return to what I once had. The doubts continued as the mornings showed little evidence of progress. The nights continued getting shorter as I stumbled into bed earlier and earlier.

Why the war raging with in? How come I cannot overcome this difficulty? Do I love my Savior? Hasn’t he proven to be faithful? Haven’t I seen His wisdom and understanding? I returned to the prayer, “Restore to me the joy of my salvation, and grant in me a willing spirit to sustain me.” (Psa 51:12) Why is it not working? Where is the promised victory?

The doubts and struggles changed to worthlessness. How can God listen to someone who can so easily ignore the most important person of their life? Deceptive thoughts intrude, “You have to start all over in your relationship with God. He is not going to restore your position with him. You turned away. You gave up. You didn’t try hard enough. You cannot pick up where you left off.”

And then…

“While he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. The son said to him. ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’” (Luke 15:20-21)

Oh to know the sweet fellowship of restoration, to know that I am loved in spite of my faults and failures. Nothing is more refreshing or fulfilling than to celebrate and worship in the presence of my Father and King. He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me. I may wander down a “pity path” or the land of laziness, or to the city of “distractions,” yet my God will not give up on me. He will stand at the door. He will wait in the yard. He will call after me. He will send others to find me. And He will wait, and watch for this wandering soul to return. He created me. He loves me. He longs to fill me with His joy and peace.

Heavenly Father, may I always recall Your compassion and love which waited for me? Roll me out of bed in the morning. Awaken me. Speak your words of wisdom while holding me in the late hours of the night; teach me, feed me. You are my God, my Savor, and my King. May all who know me know you are my joy, my peace, and my eternal hope!

Tracy Roberts

How Do I Love an Unseen God?

Philippians 2:13
For it is God who works in us both to will and to do of His good pleasure.

How do I love an unseen God?

How do I develop a “puppy dog love” of “I’ll do anything you say” type surrendered passion for a God I cannot see?

As thoughts wander through a potentially never-ending cycle of why and how come, I am drawn back to, “How do I love an unseen God?” What overrides the earthly desires and drives them to a point of “thoughtless abandonment” of love that becomes second nature? How do I get to the point where I instinctively love and follow after God?

I thought about picturing God through the words penned so eloquently by David in the Bible. Of how mighty, loving, merciful, fatherly, heavenly, and Holy God is. But these are “my” thoughts. A mental picture of who I think God is.

I thought of the surrounding beauty God has graced this planet with. The lovely flowers, the beautifully painted sunrises and sunsets, the childish laughter of a little girl, the strength and beauty of a wild stallion, or the cool, clear, blue ocean water off the Hawaiian Islands. Another picture I created to inspire these earthly desires into loving a being I cannot see.

I thought of the scientific accomplishments that have been made that validate the human fetus in the mother’s womb eight weeks after conception, the intricate and complicated organization of the atoms that surround us daily and of the vast differences within one species that flaunt the design of it’s creator. Again, these are my thoughts that are being stimulated into realizing that only a higher being of greater knowledge and understanding could have created such things.

Then it happened, another bible study, another required memory verse to learn, and another small nudge back into the reality of God’s world. I soon realized that all these thoughts were merely stepping-stones to the ultimate lesson God was going to teach. It was almost like He said, “Yes, the mental pictures you created of me were good and useful. Please use them, but you need more. I loved seeing the sparkle in your eyes when you looked around and surveyed the beauty I surrounded you with and placed you in. What pride I had when I saw you understand the detail of my creation and the depth of knowledge required in designing even the smallest creature of this earth. But child, there is still more. Take heart child, there is nothing you need to do or understand. This one is My doing.”

“For it is I, God, who will work in you and cause you to willfully love me with childlike abandon. Come. Sit. Listen. I will show you great and wonderful things that you know nothing about. I created you. You are wonderfully made in My image. I gave you the desire to be apart of My world, even though you cannot see Me. I have graced you with the evidence of My hand.”

“Do not worry. Take heart. I will never leave you nor forsake you. You are my pride and joy. No one can take you from me. I have given you the Holy Spirit. He and I are one. He will always be with you. It is He who works in you to do the things I desire. Come. Sit. Listen. Come to Me in the morning. I will show you wonderful things I want to do through you and for you. Come. Sit. Listen. I will show you My love. I will fill your heart with My love, for I created you and I love you. No one loves you more than Me. No one knows your inner most thoughts, only I. I Am – loves you! Come. Sit. Listen.”

“Listen to the songs I sing to you in the morning. Re-read the love letters I wrote you and listen. Listen to the stories that evidence My love, My power, My strength, My sorrows, and My joy. Be still. Listen. I AM here. I AM with you always. Be still. Rest. I AM loved you first. I AM loves you still.”

With that said, I can only muster a whispered “thank you” as tears stream down my face. It had nothing to do with me all along. I AM was all I needed. Lord, what a wretched man I am. Forgive me for thinking it was something “I” needed to do. Cleanse my heart and mind of any thoughts of “me.” Lord, wash me anew with your Holy presence. Remove the distractions of this world and the earthly desires of my heart and replace them with Your Holy Spirit. Fill me with the knowledge of Your love in the deepest recesses of my heart, that I may be passionately, willingly, and obediently Yours and only Yours. May Your love always be my love.

Tracy Roberts