Confession

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I recall “mountain top” experiences where I know I spent time in the presence of my Savior and King. He answered prayer. He resolved conflict at work. He cleared a calendar full of double appointments. He provided insight on a problem at work. He provided rest when my body was weary. He filled my heart with love for people I did not know. He gave sound council when asked for advice.

And then…

The storm clouds of distractions appeared. My days were full, tiring, and exhausting. I would crawl into bed at night without learning at the feet of my Savior. The mornings were rushed with pitiful moments of reading a verse and saying a quick prayer; sometimes falling asleep where I sat in thought. Pity parties were thrown regularly. Inside I was crying for the fellowship I once knew. Morning drives were spent asking God, “Where is the passion? Why is my body so unwilling? Why am I stuck in this rut?”

I struggled to return to what I once had. The doubts continued as the mornings showed little evidence of progress. The nights continued getting shorter as I stumbled into bed earlier and earlier.

Why the war raging with in? How come I cannot overcome this difficulty? Do I love my Savior? Hasn’t he proven to be faithful? Haven’t I seen His wisdom and understanding? I returned to the prayer, “Restore to me the joy of my salvation, and grant in me a willing spirit to sustain me.” (Psa 51:12) Why is it not working? Where is the promised victory?

The doubts and struggles changed to worthlessness. How can God listen to someone who can so easily ignore the most important person of their life? Deceptive thoughts intrude, “You have to start all over in your relationship with God. He is not going to restore your position with him. You turned away. You gave up. You didn’t try hard enough. You cannot pick up where you left off.”

And then…

“While he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. The son said to him. ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’” (Luke 15:20-21)

Oh to know the sweet fellowship of restoration, to know that I am loved in spite of my faults and failures. Nothing is more refreshing or fulfilling than to celebrate and worship in the presence of my Father and King. He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me. I may wander down a “pity path” or the land of laziness, or to the city of “distractions,” yet my God will not give up on me. He will stand at the door. He will wait in the yard. He will call after me. He will send others to find me. And He will wait, and watch for this wandering soul to return. He created me. He loves me. He longs to fill me with His joy and peace.

Heavenly Father, may I always recall Your compassion and love which waited for me? Roll me out of bed in the morning. Awaken me. Speak your words of wisdom while holding me in the late hours of the night; teach me, feed me. You are my God, my Savor, and my King. May all who know me know you are my joy, my peace, and my eternal hope!

Tracy Roberts